A Deep Question

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring Monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.......................................






Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? ..........................................................

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb, underneath it all, she's still a ****ing witch.

[Endor]

Originally posted by Dwarf_Pr0n
The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb, underneath it all, she's still a ****ing witch.

Did i have to read all that bollox just to find that out, what a waste of fooking time!

Did u hear of the man who thought he understood women?
He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

[D2M]

FFS Dwarf! Your standards are slipping! :(

/me calls in Wishy...

[Sainteh]

i'm confused just by looking at all thoe words grouped together..
i'm sure i'll read it l8r :}

Sainteh

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Originally posted by D2M
FFS Dwarf! Your standards are slipping! :(

Sorry m8 :(

/me hangs head in shame and looks for something to redeem himself...

[Ruth]

The thing about women wanting to make their own decisions...Granted, i feel that i like to decide what im doing...but there are times when i dont mind blokes stepping in and making choices for me. Like "Ruth, make me a pie".....ect, ect

And Dwarf, honey...i cant believe i sat for 5 minutes reading that....:rolleyes:

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

I'm sorry babe, please forgive me... :(
I like pies

[Ruth]

/me makes a pie

:)

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Mmmmmmmm pies

[Ruth]

Mmmmmm....Dwarf_Pr0n

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Mmmmmmm... Rooth :smileht:

[Ruth]

Awwwwww....*blushes*

:smileht:

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

:smlove2:

[Joey]

Unfortunately we all know that women can't make decisions - I mean ffs dwarf you've obviously never been dragged out shopping with one have you?

"What do you think of this one"
"It's fine, really it's the best one you've picked out. The rest look hideous"
"Oh well let me try them on anyway..."

<6 hours later>

"So, are you gonna buy the first one, you remember? The one which actually looked good..."
"No, I've changed my mind now because you weren't supportive"

FFS woman it's clothes shopping not ratifying the Treaty of Versailles!

[Ruth]

Well, if you blokes actually paid attention! It's all about looking good. And you are seen as the person with most influence because we love you very much, and we want you to see the best of us.
Its just a big compliment, but you just dont see it that way. Geez...we only want you to be happy with us.

[KermitTheFrag]

LOL! Dont remind me. I've only just stopped having nightmares about clothes shopping with women... *shudder*.

All i say is thank feck for credit cards and online clothes shops or I'd actually have to do the same.

[Joey]

but surely the point is that we're happy with you, not what you wear. I'm more happy when I don't waste a Saturday watching girls emerge from changing rooms in increasingly tasteless and bizarre outfits, then refuse to buy the first one because the bloke has (quite rightly) lost the will to live

[Ninjacow]

who gives a dam,
Life's to short to worriey( sorry about spelling)
EAT CHEESE AND BE MERRY!


this was brought to you with love from the kung fu loveing cow.

[KermitTheFrag]

Ninjacow. u scare me. although i do like cheese :D

[Tim]

kermy i hear that you look like slash from Guns 'n' roses with ur curly black hair

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Men know what they want before they go into the shop and spend about 5 minutes getting it and away we go.
Women know what they want but then see other things they want but don't actually buy in the end and leave with nothing and look in every other shop that has the same clothes in it.
Thats one of the reasons women will never rule the world.
We would go to war and the women would start worrying about what shoes to wear while making the decleration on TV even though they would be sat behind a desk. :-/

[Ruth]

Ooookay....

Tim, where did you hear that?I certainly didnt say that at all. Kermit's might kill me now.

Kermit: NinjaCow is sitting beside me, wearing a hat. So, she is scary. Hats scare me. Yes..i am afraid of hats, you can go on and mock me now....

And Dwarf: Shut up...You've obviously been shopping with typical girls. Im so not like that...i buy my clothes from charity shops. So :p:

[Big Giant Head]

Actually ratifying the Treaty of Versailles was really easy, we just excluded everyone made a bunch of really unfair rules then forced the Germans to sign them

Ah happier days :)

[KermitTheFrag]

ahh.

btw my hair aint curly, i just slept on it badly at i9 ;)

/me would dig out a photo but I dont want to scare people after the pvc incident.

[Joey]

i still have nightmares after seeing that pic of you in PVC trousers... I'm talking to my legal team about compensation, if social workers can get it for stress, I can get it for being forced to see sick images

[KermitTheFrag]

LOL :D

You only saw them. I was wearing them!

[Joey]

yeah but you can't exactly take yourself to court can you?

[KermitTheFrag]

I wish I could for that deadly sin...

[wishy]

Just burn them to ensure it will NEVED happen again. Delete all photos, deny all knowledge, change all coversations and the mental scaring may dissapear before you snuff it.

Thank god for online shopping. Honestly, girls, can't you just say "Need new cloths" walk in to shop, pick up, try on, buy. And FFS stop dragging us off to "help you choose"

[KermitTheFrag]

Originally posted by wishy
Just burn them to ensure it will NEVED happen again. Delete all photos, deny all knowledge, change all coversations and the mental scaring may dissapear before you snuff it.


I cant. I didnt take the photo and its on someone's MSN gallery thing. Bastards!

[wishy]

Hack MSN :D

[KermitTheFrag]

It uses MS passport which is so broken that it's never up long enough to be hacked.

[wishy]

Good point, however i believe they use IIS5, easy job :D

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

It's funny cos it's TRUE

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in a sectioned laundry basket, accordingly to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If husband is seen along the way,cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah, wide loofahand pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that its all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area or decide to get it waxed. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest signs of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers (if you can find any). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk bollock naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Wahey!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch ******** and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't need one. Wash ******** and the surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on the soap. Wash armpits. Wash face. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off. Get out of Shower. Fail to notice water on floor caused by shower curtain being outside bath for whole of showering time. Partially dry off.Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on.Return to bedroom with towel around waist, leaving wet footprints on carpets. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes.

[Ruth]

I refuse to read that. As i was skimreading, i noticed the word 'knob' and that, personally, disgusts me. Its not the kind of thing i want to be reading at 00.40 after having moshed myself into a pulp at a NFG concert for 3 hours.

Wait, what am i saying?!? The word knob is cool....i just refuse to read it becuase you're all being sexist whores and i hope you all choke on your own semen.

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Not being sexist just pointing out the differences in showering procedure with men and women :)

[D2M]

ROFLMAO!!!

/me grabs knob...WAHAAY!!! :D

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

D2M am I forgiven now for the poor offering that started this thread?

[Jarmin]

I'm putting that in the college news letter!

You will get credit Dwarf_Pr0n :D

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Cheers m8... Fame awaits me :)

[Joey]

if only it wasn't true...

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

He laid her on the table
So white, clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide... he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
............................................... And then he stuffed the turkey.
May I be the first to wish you a Happy Christmas

....... You and your dirty minds !!!!!!

[KermitTheFrag]

LOL nice 1 ;)

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

The Perfect Day - For Her

8.15: Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30: Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45: Breakfast in bed - freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
9.15: Soothing hot bath with frangipanibath oil.
10.00: Light work-out at club with handsome funny personal trainer.
10.30: Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow-dry.
12.00: Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45: Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained 7kg.
1.00: Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00: Nap.
4.00: 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist - 'From Secret Admirer'.
4.15: Light work-out at club, followed by massage by strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
5.30: Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full-length mirror.
7.30: Candle-lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers.
10.00: Hot shower, alone.
10.45: Carried to bed - freshly-ironed, crisp, new, white linen sheets.
11.00: Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11.15: Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

The Perfect Day - For Him

6.00: Alarm.
6.15: Blow-job.
6.30: Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section.
7.00: Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench.
7.30: Limo arrives.
7.45: Several whiskeys en-route to airport.
9.15: Flight in personal Lear Jet.
9.30: Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club - blow-job en-route.
9.45: Play front nine - 2 under.
11.45: Lunch - pie, chips and gravy and 5 pints of lager.
12.15: Blow-job.
12.30: Play back nine - 4 under.
2.15: Limo back to the airport - several whiskeys.
2.30: Fly to Monte Carlo.
3.30: Late afternoon fishing excursion with all nude female crew.
4.30: Land world-record Marlin.
5.00: Fly home, massage and hand-job by naked Elle McPherson.
5.45: Nap.
6.45: ****, shower and shave.
7.00: Watch news, marijuana and hard-core porn legalised.
7.30: Dinner - lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice-cream served on a pair of tits.
9.00: Napoleon brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall-sized TV while watching England beat Germany 11-0 in World Cup final.
11.00: Sex with 3 women - all with lesbian tendencies.
11.30: Massage and jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing lager.
12.15: Nightcap blow-job.
12.30: In bed alone.
12.35: Let out 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

[Ruth]

Oh good grief. :rolleyes:

Im going to edit the womans perfect day for me: (ignore the times...)

8.15: Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8.30: Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday.
8.45: Breakfast in bed - freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants
10.30: Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow-dry.
12.00: Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
12.45: Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained 7kg.
1.00: Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3.00: Nap.
4.00: 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist - 'From Secret Admirer'.
10.00: Hot shower, not alone.
11.15: Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

raaaaaaaaaaah

[KermitTheFrag]

Rooth what are you on about!? A woman shopping for 2 hours!!! more like 6! :)

[Ruth]

I dont shop. I'm so bad at it. After going to Pet Sounds and Kathmandu on a Saturday, i usually go to Games Boutique and obsess over the lush lad on the tils while looking for GTA2.

And then i go home.

I couldnt shop like a girl if i tried. My mate Fiona once said "Lets go shopping together!!" and she looked so excited i had to oblige, and she got really hacked off when i kept sighing every 12 minutes and when i said things like "Fiona, like **** will i look good in a red jumper"

:rolleyes:

[Nukes]

See Rooth uve nearly done 10 posts today. and it's only 20 past one!

Dwarf_Pr0n I have a book that has every single crap joke that you have posted in it . U may know the one I'm on about.

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Nope, all my jokes are passed on to me at work :)

[Ruth]

Nukes, im at college and i have no lessons til later. My bus only comes once every half our too, so go and stuff your attitude up your arse.

Geez, its not like im saying anything bad, or am offending anyone. Except Mouce, but thats because i wub him.

Geez.......

[Nukes]

Soory, I am stuck at home not doing anyhing whatsoever 'cos of my idiocy yesterday. I am just saying that you are posting a fair bit, as am I. but not when I'm in school.
not always.

/me pleads for forgiveness as words have failed him.

[wishy]

Originally posted by Rooth
Nukes, im at college and i have no lessons til later. My bus only comes once every half our too, so go and stuff your attitude up your arse.

I left my laptops mains adaptor, so i went to two lession, the second i had no batterys left so i picked up the mock exam and left. I'll do it later :D

[Ruth]

I do NOT shower like this...you bastards. You know for a fact you want shampoo with 83 added vitamins and jaffa cake body wash...ffs!

Sexist!!!!!


Originally posted by Dwarf_Pr0n
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in a sectioned laundry basket, accordingly to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If husband is seen along the way,cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah, wide loofahand pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that its all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area or decide to get it waxed. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest signs of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers (if you can find any). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

[$irTim]

LOL! I have just read the second post and that is really quite funny...died before he could tell any more...roflamo

[D2M]

Originally posted by Dwarf_Pr0n
D2M am I forgiven now for the poor offering that started this thread?

dwarf u are sooooo forgiven!!!

/me starts dwarf_pr0n fan club :D

[Cheez]

Originally posted by KermitTheFrag
Ninjacow. u scare me. although i do like cheese :D

Everyone likes me. i mean. who wouldn't? :D

[D2M]

funnily enough i actually hate cheese, unless its on pizzaor summit.

But I'll give ya the benefit of the doubt until i 0wn j00 at a future i-series event! :D

[Ruth]

Originally posted by D2M
funnily enough i actually hate cheese, unless its on pizzaor summit.

But I'll give ya the benefit of the doubt until i 0wn j00 at a future i-series event! :D

omg d2m...more proof that you and i are soulmates....

I hate cheese, excpet when its hot, so i can eat pizzas and cheese toasties and Gregg's cheese pasties if i'm really hungry....

Ahh, bless :)

[D2M]

wahaay!

/me watches his soul fluffle rooth's soul :D