Crap jokes

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

OK I know everyone deep down loves crap jokes so I'll start off this thread with one:

A little boy goes up to his mum and asks:
How do you spell clitoris?
His mum replies
Go and ask your dad
So the little boy goes and see's his dad and asks:
Dad, how do you spell clitoris?
To which he replies:
It was on the tip of my tongue last night.

:D

[Ruth]

Ahhh, bloody hell!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.





hahahahah
:santa2:

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

And I thought mine was bad :-/

[Ruth]

I have a worse one, but it doesnt work written down becase its about sound......

Which sucks. :(

Did i tell you all my Whale Joke at i9?

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Nope :(

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

A man phones in to work and says:
I can't come into work today boss I'm sick.
The boss replies:
What do you mean you can't come in?
The man replies:
But boss I'm REALLY sick and I can't come in.
The boss angrily says:
We have a VERY important meeting today that could benefit the company. How sick can you be that you can't make it in?
To which the man replies:
Well right now I'm f***ing my 5 year old daughter!

I know, I know it's SICK but I did warn you!
Australians have bad humour (it's from an Ozzy webpage)

:monkey:

[Ruth]

OMG it is the funniest ****ing joke in the world! It always makes people laugh. Which is why im thinking it shouldnt go in here...becuase this is for crap jokes.

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Well I just put a sick joke in :-/

[Ruth]

Dude, that was awful.

I dont want my mint joke mixing with these crappy/sick jokes.

[Say_Ten]

Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the
bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is
sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says
"Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?"
"No, ta. I've got one `ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He hops up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A
woman walks up to him and says, "What are yous upposed to be?" The
man
says, "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man
replies, "I've just come in my pants."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting cold. They lit a fire in
the craft to keep warm. It sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywooda nd
became
a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's anaesthetic
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. " Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of them would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal'. The other goes to a family in
Spain, they name him 'Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seenA mal."

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

2 eggs boiling in a pan of water.
One egg says to the other
It's hot in here
The other one replies
Just wait until you get out, they bash your head in

An egg and a sausage frying in a pan.
The egg says
It's hot in here
To which the sausage says
OH MY GOD, a talking egg

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Originally posted by Rooth
Dude, that was awful.

I DID warn you :p:

[Ruth]

OMG!
They were all funny!!!! Im going to memorise them all and tell everybody them...wow-ee!

The best were:

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

/me wipes tears from here eyes

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Man goes in a pub
Man goes in a pub
At one time you only used to be able to get penuts and crisps but now... Man goes in a pub

*Mangoes in a pub... Mangoes... Oh I give up :(*

[Ruth]

**** ME That was ****! Bloody hell!

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

It is a CRAP JOKES thread :)

[TelexStar]

There's a man in a bar and he walks over to the bar man and says "Bar man, I have a proposition for you. I bet you 50 quid that i can piss down the whole length of your bar and into that empty pint over there and not spill a drop of piss on your bar at all." The bar man says "feck off! that empty pint is over 10 metres away and your telling me that you piss into it without getting any on my bar?" "Yep" says the man.

After some carefull consideration by the bar man, he agrees to let the man try, i mean after all it is 50 quid.

And so the man gets his Chief Cigar out and proceeds to piss aaaalll over the place. He pisses on the bar, on the bar man, over his dog etc. In fact he manages to piss nearly everywhere except in the empty pint glass. The bar, rather pleased that he's just made 50 quid smiles and says, "thats 50 quid you owe me" The man then says "your absolutly right, i do owe you 50 quid, but you see those guys over there, they just bet 150 quid that i could piss all over your bar and make you smile about it!" :D :D :D

[Ruth]

Gah!

[Embattle]

A rip from the film Desperado.

[Ruth]

Me sisters favourite joke is:

A bloke walks into a bar
"Ouch" he says

:rolleyes:

[Idylla]

Originally posted by Rooth
Me sisters favourite joke is:

A bloke walks into a bar
"Ouch" he says

:rolleyes:

bah i was about to do that :P

[D2M]

Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

A. He felt his prescence!

RAH!

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

A snail goes into a pub and says
Can I have a pint of smooth please?
The barman turns around and replies
No, I'm not serving a snail in my bar
The snail says
Please serve me a pint of smooth!
To which the barmand shouts
NO and kicks the snail out of the bar.
A year later the snail goes back into the bar and says
What did you do that for?

:D :D :D :D :D

[TelexStar]

Originally posted by Dwarf_Pr0n
A snail goes into a pub and says
Can I have a pint of smooth please?
The barman turns around and replies
No, I'm not serving a snail in my bar
The snail says
Please serve me a pint of smooth!
To which the barmand shouts
NO and kicks the snail out of the bar.
A year later the snail goes back into the bar and says
What did you do that for?

:D :D :D :D :D


HAHAHA LOL :D :D :D thats funny hehe chuckle chuckle

[Ruth]

That was not funny! That was awful! OMG.....

This thread is amazing!

[KermitTheFrag]

couple of dog ones lol:-

a bloke walks into the bar and slips on a dog turd in the middle of the floor. he ignores it and sits down with a pint. another bloke walks in and slips on it. the first bloke says "i did that". the second bloke says "you dirty bastard".

theres a dog (the same one) sitting at the bar licking its b0llocks. a man says to the bartender "i wish i could do that" to which the bar tender replies "if you give him a biscuit he might let you".

ok they were bad lol.

[Ruth]

Now THEY were funny!

[TelexStar]

lol, they were funny :D

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her grand-daughter.
Grandma asked,"Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and that she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it, at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, pull the skin back and suck them dry."

[TelexStar]

that really is awefull

[KermitTheFrag]

hahahahaaa :D

[Jez_Gafys]

errr


why did the chicken cross the road....


to get to the other side.


haha that was so much fun I am going to keel over I think..omg haha

[Jez_Gafys]

well they say its how u tell em isnt it.

[KermitTheFrag]

unfortunately for you you're right :D

[KermitTheFrag]

another one:-

whats 40 foot long and smells of urine ?

line dancing at the nursing home...

[[Tuba]Naps]

only an ethoipian woman is pleased and swollows greedily if you cum in her mouth


awwwwwwwwww im terrible

[Gate`]

HEH

and she would bite it off anf eat it like a hotdog

[Ekim]

Joke #1

There were two suasages in a frying pan the first suasage said:

'F*cking hell its hot in here!'

The other said

'Oh my god! A talking suasage'

Joke #2

Two Builders were working on a building site and went to the pub that they had been going every day since they started their job, and every day in this pub they'd see the same man wearing the same Armarni Suit every day. They called this man 'The Suit' and always wondered what his job was.

One day while in the pub 'The Suit' went to the toilet one of the builders saw this as his oppertunity to find out more about him, so leaving his freind at the bar he follows 'The Suit' in to the toilet.

Standing in the urinal next to 'The Suit' the builder asked him what his job was. 'The Suit' didn't explain what his job was but simply asked wheter the builder has a gold fish. To this the builder replyed yes. So then 'The Suit' asked him wheter it was in a pond or in a bowl, 'In a pond' said the builder.

You live in a big house, replyed 'The Suit'. yep said the builder as he did. You have quite a few children said 'The Suit', again he was right and the builder was surprised, 'You have an attractive wife, you have an active sex life and cause of this you don't masturbate at all' rattled off 'The Suit'. F*cking hell your amazing said the builder, thats all right! And thats what I do said 'The Suit' just asking you one question and i know soo much about you.

The builder returned to his friend who was intrested to find out what 'The Suit' did, well said the first builder he has a really strange job, just by asking one question he could find out loads about me. The second builder didn't quite understand, so the first asked him 'Do you have a gold-fish?' to which the second replyed no. 'Your a ****** then' said the second.

[FeEBLe]

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

That is one of the best jokes ever :)

[Gate`]

Heh heh

yup yup

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Originally posted by Ekim
Joke #1

There were two suasages in a frying pan the first suasage said:

'F*cking hell its hot in here!'

The other said

'Oh my god! A talking suasage'

Taking my joke and making it 2 sausages in a frying pan doesn't make it any funnier you know, it was bad when I told it earlier in the thread and it's bad now. :p:

[FeEBLe]

hehe

[Blacksheep]

Ok ready for the sigh/moan
Q:What do ya call a irish man buried under the ground for many years ?

A: Pete

Q: What you call a man with a spade in his head ?
A: Doug

Oh dear these are bad no hang got two more.......

Q: What do call a man without a spade in his head
A: Douglas

and finaly get the drum kit ready........
Q:What do you call a man with a seagul on his head ?
A: Cliff

oh dear.

[Ekim]

Originally posted by Dwarf_Pr0n


Taking my joke and making it 2 sausages in a frying pan doesn't make it any funnier you know, it was bad when I told it earlier in the thread and it's bad now. :p:


Didn't read your one, cba to read whole thread.

[Ruth]

Pfft, that's just general laziness, that is.....

:D I suffer the same thing

[Say_Ten]

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Getting a piccalo in the toilet without hitting the rim?

What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
A cello burns longer.

What do you call those people that hang around with musicians?
A drummer.

[SupahFly]

Ok here we go.

Geezer dies and goes to heaven.
He reaches the pearly gates and is about to go through when he sees this Really ugly lady standing outside and saying to him
"...Thank god you're here, i've been waiting for ages and I'm dieing to shag you, please come over here and give it to me, or climb up that ladder on your right to 'Success'.."
The bloke takes another look at the ugly woman and thinks "Sod that, i'll climb the ladder to success!"
So up he climbs. Apon reaching the top he sees another woman. She's better looking, but still not stunning and just like the last woman she's calling him over..."thank god youre here, i'm be waiting here for ages just to shag you, please come over here have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success..."
The bloke thinks, "Well so far they've got better looking, i think i'll climb up the next ladder to success.." and up he climbs.
Sure enough, apon reaching the top of the ladder he spies the most attractive and sexy woman he has ever seen in his whole life and just like before, she begs him over, saying "Oh Thank God you are here! i've been waiting for you for so long and I simply cannot wait for you to shag me, take me, i'm yours..or climb that ladder to Success.."
The man thinks, "Oh my God!!! this just gets better and better!! just imagine what the next one will be like!!!" so he climbs the ladder to Success.
As the man gets to the top of the ladder he sees the most uglyest, most revolting fat old bastard of a bloke, whose face and genitals are covered in puss oozing warts.
"Hello" grunts the old man, "My name is Cess".

raar :)

[Ruth]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Thats horrible!!!

heh heh

[F@tb0y]

ok ppl im back (sadly) but i have 1 4 u all!!!

y is a woman like a box of KFC????


cuz once ur past the tender breasts and juciy thighs. all u got left is a wet greasey box 2 put ur bone in.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ph33r meh j0k3s:tongue:

[Ruth]

From #thepub, earlier today:

[11:37] <Gratz> what do you call a terrorist in ibiza?
[11:37] <Gratz> allsummer bin largin'!
[11:38] * MiNgTeA watches tumbleweed float past
[11:40] *** Gratz has quit IRC (^-^)
[11:40] <Rooth> Awww, MiNgTeA, you obviously insulted him
[11:40] <Rooth> by not laughing outraguously at his joke
[11:41] <MiNgTeA> lol
[11:41] <MiNgTeA> but c'mon!
[11:41] <MiNgTeA> i mean!
[11:41] <MiNgTeA> allsummer bin largin
[11:41] <MiNgTeA> i mean!
[11:41] <MiNgTeA> CMON!
[11:41] <MiNgTeA> WTF!
[11:41] <Rooth> Okay honey, calm down
[11:41] <MiNgTeA> :)
[11:41] <Rooth> tis only a ****e joke

[Mingtea]

BUT ALL SUMMER BIN LARGIN!!


I MEAN!!

OMG!!!!

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Nope... It's STILL crap :)

[D2M]

I think SupahFly is the winner

And that bin largin bollox is...well... BOLLOx!!!!!!!1111

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off.
His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes
thousands of pounds to the bank.

Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump,
Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?"
asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you
three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding
that you will grant me a small favour in return!"

"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank
you, thank you!"

Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her
sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your
return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue
with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%.
Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in
credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do
for you?"

Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After
a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father
Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't
you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress.

[D2M]

ROFLMAO ROFLMAO ROFLMAO!!!

That's quality!!!!

Was the "santa" called Bugs? :D

[Ruth]

LMFAO!!

That is quality!!!

lol!!!

[Nukes]

There was a young woman from Leith,
Who used to circumcise men with her teeth,
It wasn't for fame, or love of the game,
But to get at the cheese underneath.


Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven talking about how they died. One tells the other that he froze to death, the other explains what happened to him.
"I ran home early as I was concinced my wife was having an affair. I looked in the closet and nobody there. I ran downstairs and checked the kitchen and living room. Then it hit me, he could be hiding in the attic, so I ran all the way back upstairs into the attic
when I had a heart-attack and died." The other man looks at him curiously and says "And you didn't think to check the bloody freezer"

This isn't. These are crap as they should be!

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

:D nice

The first one is a bit SICK!!! :crazy:

[Nukes]

Isn't that the Idea.

How do u make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.

What has 4 legs and an arm?
A Rottweiler

[Ruth]

Nukes! You blatently ripped off my poem there...

There was was a Mouse called Keith
Who circumsised men with his teeth
It wasnt for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But to get to the cheese underneath!

Makes more sense if its a mouse :rolleyes:

Heh

How do you make a cat go 'woof'?

Cover it with petrol and set fire to it

lmao

[Ruth]

I got this in an email before....from my own mother!

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday
and as they had only started dating, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the
right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the
girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items
mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got
the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with
the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of
wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a
delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair
that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the
first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with
them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them
off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you
will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.

[King-Kodiak]

Right, my go now.

a traveller comes across a bar with a horse and a bucket full of money outside. He wonders what this is in aid of, so he asks the barman, to which he replies
"If you can make the horse laugh, then you can have the money in the bucket". Strange thought the travellor as he had been around most of the country and had never heard of anything like this before. " just put one quid in the bucket and whisper in the horses ear in the attempt to make him laugh", and with a grin on his face, he does just that. The barman looks on in total amazement as this horse is rolling around in laughter, its laughing so hard that it's close to tears.
" How the hell did you manage that, no-one has managed to make the horse laugh in over 15 years ", however the travellor doesn't give away his secret, instead he finishes his pint and walks away with his winnings.
The following year he is back, and finds the same horse with another stash of money next to it. He asks the barman about this, to which he replies "this time you have to make it cry", so with a grin on his face, he puts his quid in the bucket and whispers in the ear of the horse. Again, the barman cannot beleive his eyes as the horse cannot stop crying for love nor money. "OK, you have got to tell me, first you make it laugh, now only you have made it cry, how?". The travellor replies " well last year I said that I had a bigger penis than him, this time I showed him"

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Out on a pub crawl, a man is wandering through a local red light district when he spies a brothel offering the best whore in town. Walking up to the front desk, he asks for the cheapest girl available and is led into a darkened room. There, he finds a woman lying on the bed but as soon as he climbs on top and starts pumping, she repeatedly spits in his eye.
Furious, he sprints down to the front desk. "That bitch spat in my eye!" he screams at the receptionist.
The woman behind the desk calmly turns around to a bunch of men playing cards. "Get to it boys. The corpse is full."

[Ruth]

Oh fuk off...that's horrible! :eek3:

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Yep, it's SICK and it's WRONG yet strangely amusing.
Good old FHM and Bar Room Jokes :)

[Nukes]

Quite good.

Well. 0wnage.

Rooth: Did I ****e rip off one of ur jokes. I went back and double checked as well. :)

[Ruth]

Nukes, my dear.....I didnt leave the poem on this thread, it was on another thread.....so there :p: But it doesnt matter...life goes on.

"Life is short...so drink faster!" being my motto.....:)

[Tim]

ahhh dwarf pron that is sick i just puked up all over my pizza:eek:

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

If it was a sea food pizza you wouldn't know the difference anyway... Terrible pizza's.
Pepperoni on the other hand.... Mmmmmmmmm!!!

[Ekim]

A group of nuns were their yearly retreat to their favourite part of Italy where they could get the peace and quiet they needed to reflect. However mid journey their mini-bus crashed and all the nuns died.

As you'd expect all the nuns went to heaven, and when the got their St Peter was standing at the gates to greet them, so they formed and orderly queue ready to enter heaven.

The first nun walked up to St Peter.

'Hello Sister, before you can enter heaven I need for you to answer me one question, have you ever touched a mans penis?' asked St Peter

'Well there was one time, my hand brushed past one and I felt it' said the Nun

'Ok, just dip you hand into this holy water and you may enter'

As the first nun enters heaven the second approaches, again Peter asks the same question to which the second nun replys.

'Well there was one time when I was feeling particulary weak and I gave a man 'manual relief''

Peter hangs his head in shame and replys.

'Ok sister from time to time we do feel weakness, just put the offending hand into this holy water'

The nun does this and as she enters heaven one of the nuns from the back of the queue rushes to the front, and when stopped by the others she says.

'I wanna put my mouth in the water before Sister Joan shoves her big fat arse into the holy water'

:D

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

The queen was visiting a hospital. When being shown round, she noticed a man lying on his bed masturbating. When she asked the nurse what was wrong with him, she was told 'oh, he has a medical disorder your highness.
If he doesn't masturbate, his balls explode`. Later on in the visit, she saw another man on his bed getting a blow-job off the nurse. When enquiring what his problem was, the nurse replied, ‘Oh, he's on BUPA!!!'

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Q. What do prawns and women have in common?
A. Three pink bits that taste nice, but the heads are full of ****!


Q. How do you castrate a priest?
A. Kick the alter boy in the back of the head


Q. What's the German word for constipated?
A. Farfrumpoopin.


Q. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A. One to stir the mixture, five to peel the smarties.


Q. What's the definition of an Italian virgin?
A. A girl who can run faster than her brother.


Q. What does Glenn Hoddle and an Essex girl have in common?
A. They both prefer Seaman to Flowers!


Q. What's pink and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff


Q. Whats brown and sticky?
A. A stick

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

There once was a Panda who fancied sex. So off he went to Soho to find a prostitute. After a while he saw someone he fancied and after the initial introductions the prostitute took the Panda back to her place.

When they arrived the Panda said he was hungry, so the prostitute made him a sandwich which he gratefully ate. They then got down to the serious business of the day and had a fantastic couple of hours of sex.

All of a sudden the Panda got up, thanked the prostitute and headed towards the door. "Oi Panda, you haven't paid" said the prostitute, The panda looked up and said "but Panda's don't pay!" "Why not?" said the prostitute.
"Look up 'Panda' in the dictionary" said the Panda "you will find the answer there"

So after the Panda had gone the bemused prostitute found a dictionary and looked up the word 'Panda'.
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"Panda" .................. - Eats shoots and leaves!

[King-Kodiak]

Bloke heads down to soho, and finds a prostitue, and shortly after heads back to his place. " I'm kinky " he warns the pros, to which she says "fine" but is thinking 'oh great, thats all I need'.

They go into his room, and he hands her 4 springs, 2 on gloves and 2 on knee pads. "Put them on" he demands, which she reluctantly does. He hands he a duck call. "Put this in your mouth". The pros is starting to get worried as she has been on the game for a long time and has never had to do anything like this before, but she does as shes told.

"Now, on all fours on the bed" which she does, and he goes in from behind. after about 2 hours they both are exhausted. the Pros leans after and says " I have to ask, I've been on the game for over 20 years, and that has to be the best sex I have ever had, how?"

"Four sprung Duck Technique"

[D2M]

why don't i get that joke?

[Say_Ten]

You obviously are too young and don't watch enough telly.

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

You obviously haven't seen Audi adverts.

[Sainteh]

A man wakes up one day to find a brick on the pillow beside him. Deeply confused the man opens the his window and throws the brick out, only to see that theres a message on the inside of his widow saying...
"Right testicle tried to brick"
Not knowing what to do the man quickly desides to jump out of the window in order to save his man hood. As he falls he looks behind himself as sees another message on the outside of the window saying...
"Left testicle tied to bed post"
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I can just imagine the :eek: look on any blokes face when he reads this :)

Sainteh

[Ruth]

Oh dear gawd....

/me cringes

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Didn't he notice rope/string/elastic (whatever) tied to his manhood in the first place???

[Sainteh]

not as funny if he did :D

[zhardoum]

Ok, this is supposed to be crap jokes, not rude ones

What did the Slug say to the Snail?...



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Big Issue Mate?

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

What does a blonde do after having sex?
Get's out of the car

How does a blonde have safe sex?
Lock the car doors

Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
In the morning one says cack-a-doodle-doo the other says any-****-will-do

[Ruth]

Blonde jokes...tellme some that everybody hasnt heard at least 6 times before.....

Q: What do you call the worthless piece of skin around a vagina?
A: A woman.


/me cringes

[*Tsunami*]

Aggghh, nothing annoys me more than when someone takes an excellent joke and wrecks it by telling it wrong.. Sorry Sainteh but the original (and great joke) goes like this.

Chinese Torture


A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, and entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him durng the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1...Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2...Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3... Right testicle tied to bed post."

[*Tsunami*]

Another one :)

Two lads walking to school together, when one noticed the other was wearing a really smart watch. This watch was the mutts, it could tell the time in any country, change channels on your tv, had a calander, take pictures and had a built in mp3 player.

He said to his m8, "WOW, how did you manage to get such a nice watch?". His m8 replied "Its quite funny, I caught my parents having sex last night, my dad was so embarassed he said he's get me something just to keep me quiet. Thus I got him, to buy me this watch.". "Wow", replied his m8, obviously impressed, "I think im going to try that tonite.".

So that evening he goes home, and thinks, right I'll try and catch them at it. He goes to bed early, lays awake waiting for his parents to go to bed. Sure enough, just after his parents go to bed, he hears the gentle squeaking of the matress and light rythmic thuding of the headboard against the wall. He gets up and bursts into his parents bedroom.

Sure enough his parents are hard at it, his dad looks up shocked and yells "what hell do you want?". He replies " I wanna watch.". So his dad replies "Ok Son, pull up a chair".

[Ruth]

I heard a really funny joke last night. It was something along the lines of my boyfriend saying: "No, please, i want you to talk to me"

lmao!

:rolleyes:

[*Tsunami*]

Rooth...

If your boyfriend wanted you to talk to him he should of do what everybody else does...

Post a message on this forum :)

[Ruth]

You know what? I'll get him to do that. I'll post him the link. I'll get my arse kicked though...

heh

I wub you Shad, hunny :deg:

[Shad]

hi :)

[Ruth]

My God, if that wasn't the most detailed post i've ever seen....


Note: The above may be sarcasm....

[Shad]

well, you know me :cool:

[Ruth]

I certainly hope so. :)

[King-Kodiak]

It was that cold outside that I snapped a dog off a lamp-post.!!!

and now for something completly different.

Bob and Jeff were playing golf. They were fairly well matched except that every time bob got onto the green, he would hole his ball on the next shot every time without fail. Jeff's curiosity gets the better of him, so he asks:
"Bob, your better than any pro I've ever seen on the green, how do you manage it?" to which Bob replies:
"Well, its down to these bo-ficul glasses, which is french for bi-focul glasses." the B&Q look crosses Jeff's face.
Jeff respondes "I'll explain. I look down and I see a small ball. I look up and I see a big hole. All I have to do is put the small ball in the big hole". Bob asks "May I borrow them?", "Of course you can" replies Jeff, and at this point they part company. an hour later they meet up again, and Jeff is looking a bit sheepish. "How are you getting on Jeff?"
Bob answers "Lousy. went for a wee. I look down and I see a small one and a big one. I knew the big one wasn't mine so I put it away and wet myself"

[Ruth]

D'oh. That was crap. :-/

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

/me feels proud that mine aren't THAT bad. :)

[Ruth]

I wouldn't bet on it, my lamb :p:

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Oh OK... :sad:

[D2M]

dwarf, yours are better than that m8! :D

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [camply] 'Make your mind up.' "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's ill? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up,and said "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house." He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again...' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time" The man replied "I know - I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any...

[D2M]

LOL!! :D

More More!! :p:

[Ruth]

rofl!

They were excellent!!!

[King-Kodiak]

My jokes aren't that bad rooth, and anyway this is a crap jokes thread :(

A man walks into a doctors with a steering wheel stuck out of his trousers, the doctor asks "Whats that?"
The man replies "I don't know but its driving me nuts"

Quazemodo (No idea how its spelt) goes to a taliors and asks "Do you have a suit that will fit me?"
"If we do..." replies the assistant "someones going to get the sack"

Quazzy goes to the doctors to get his hump removed. "Get undressed the quazzy". He prodceeded to take of 15 overcoats, 10 jumpers, 11 suits, 8 Shirts and the doctor asks "When were you last a school?" "37 Years ago" Quazzy says. The doctor then asks "Didn't you ever wondered what happened to your sactuel?"

/me now sits in the corner and stays quiet

[Ruth]

I dont understand the last one. Will someone please explain it to me? I dont care if ppl mock me.....but i swear to gawd that made no sense to me.

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

It was a bad joke but I see where it was coming from.
Quazzy (Hunch back of Notre Dam) had a back pack on his back under his clothes, he didn't have a hunch after all.

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Ok, this is apparently the official funniest joke in the UK... Joke research HERE (http://www.msn.co.uk/exredir.asp?STARTID=NIP_WORDS&URL=http://www.skynews.co.uk/skynews/article/0,,30000-1038830,00.html)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent...


I don't see it myself, I've known a lot funnier, we should have submitted some of the pearlers from this thread :)

[Ruth]

Thats the funniest joke in the UK? Good god...what is the world coming to? :rolleyes:

Kay, so, a bloke is sitting in this resteaurant, and he's checking out a very sexeh laydee...but he's just too damned scared to go up and talk to her, bless.
Suddenly, this lass sneezes and her glass eye flies out of its socket, towards this blokey. With amazing reflexes, he caths the thing in midair.
"God im sorry!" says the sexeh lass, as she pops the damned thing back in, "let me buy you dinner"

So the two sit together, talk and enjoy themselves, the go to her place to have the most amazing night of passion ever.

Next morning, she wakes him up with brekkie in bed. The bloke is amazed and says "You really are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every man you meet?"

"No", she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye!"

/me laughs

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

/me sighs

No... darling... I mean /me laughs
:-/

[Ruth]

It's just the way i tell 'em!!

Im really **** at telling jokes. I cant even do the chicken crossing the road jokes without completly ****ing them up.

Once, i was jogging along a track with some girl called.....um, Gemma. And i just went "There was this bloke , right?In a bar..." and i just couldnt stop luaghing! I had to stop running bcoz i was just laughing so much and she told me to NEVER try to tell a joke again my my life.

Ahhhhhh...

Theres this bloke, right?In a bar...

[Ruth]

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains.

ROFL

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Whats the useless bit around a vagina called?
A woman

Whats the best part of a blow job?
5 minutes silence

Ohhhhh you know I don't mean it Rooth :D

[D2M]

YUS MAN vs WOMAN

I know you've all heard it before but I think it's the funniest joke ever...

What do you say to a townie in a suit?
Would the defendant please rise!

:D :p:

P.S. Men = teh win
Women = teh lose

Only in a joke sense tho, cos without women, we'd all be masturbating all the time, and that can't be good, cos then we'd be blind and there'd be a lot more accidents!

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man buys the first round, then the ostrich buys the second round but, when it's the cat's round it refuses to pay.
The bartender asks the man what the problem is. The man says, "well I met a genie and he gave me one wish, so I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."


A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there. The man replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it". The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a look for you" The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it." To which the man replies, "I know, it's a ****ing beauty, eh?!"


A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred quid if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred quid. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred quid on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred quid if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred quid on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later, Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 quid he owes me?"


Tarquin the upper-class git comes across a beautiful naked woman lying in the forest with her legs spread wide open. Not believing his luck, he approaches her and asks her if she's game. The woman smiles sexily and replies "yes". So he shoots her.

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[D2M]

Originally posted by Dwarf_Pr0n
Tarquin the upper-class git comes across a beautiful naked woman lying in the forest with her legs spread wide open. Not believing his luck, he approaches her and asks her if she's game. The woman smiles sexily and replies "yes". So he shoots her.

Depending on where he shot her, might she have enjoyed it for 0.000435 seconds?

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

lol, thats just sick D2M :)

[D2M]

at least she would have died smiling! :p:

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

There is that to it :)
/me thanks the FHM webpage for it's stand in roll of joke supplier while I'm not at work :)

[D2M]

lol - cheat0rz!

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

You better believe it :D

[D2M]

lol and a spamm0r too!

Dwarf you are my idol! :D wub wub!

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Hehehehehe
I shall teach thee the ways of the spam if you teach me the ways of the quick responses to womens postings :)

[D2M]

yus, deal! :D

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

:D
OK the secret to spamming is to post lots but not as much as Rooth cos she is the masta spamma :)
That way you get lots of posts with very little attention being cast on you as Rooth takes the lime light :D

[D2M]

LOL!

Ahh...pure genius! :D

[Cheez]

haven' read this whole thread so i don't know if this one has already been done yet but here it goes.

A duck walks into a bar and asks "do you have any bread?"

"no get out" says the barman.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and says "do you have any bread?"

"No i already told you. now go away" shouts the barman.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and says "do you have any bread?"

The barman gets mad and shouts "NO! and if you ask for bread again ill nail your feet to the floor"

A week later the duck walks into the bar again and says "Do you have any nails"

"no" The barman says looking confused.

"good" says the duck. "in that case do you have any bread then" :)

[Ruth]

Yea d2m, Dwarf can spam...but he can't comptete with me. As Riki once said "you love your attention, don't you"...don't come between me and my limelight.....:D

/me strokes Dwarf.....heehee

[sintax]

Getting back to the TRUE purpose of the post :p
i got a crappy joke courtesy of (www.towniehaters.com)

Q. what do u call a townie on a bike?

A. A thief!!

joy...

[Ruth]

Thats a really rockin' site.....i remeber seeing it at the beginning of the year, and replacing the word 'townie' with 'charver' and going to school and getting loads of laughs.....

Whatdya call a charver in a filing cabinet?
Sorted

lol

Good stuff.....

[sintax]

OMFG
noooooooooooooooooo
omg christmas is ruined!!!!!

(www.towniehaters.com) is gone

im ACTUALLY going to cry now..

[Ruth]

Well, i got an email sometime ago, from towniehaters.com, saying they were taking the site down becuase it was "politically incorrect"

I think i have the email somewhere.....Okay, its from June 12th

"Secondly, this may be the last time you ever visit TownieHaters.com, nope,
we are not closing down merly moving, to a different address and having a change of name. The new name will better represent us and make us more politically correct. However, for the time being this name is not being released to the general public.
When the site changes address, there will also be many new features added, including video skateboarding trick tips section as well as a place for bands to advertise concert dates."

=/

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Political Correctness is b0ll0cks.
The internet is a free media and no one can tell you what to put on your webpages. No government could tell the site owners to take it down only the web host and if they tell you to take it down then you just move elsewhere.

[Ruth]

I guess thats true. I mean, the internet is a just madness...and theres no way everyone is going to be happy.

The bloke who made towniehaters.com was a huffy git anyway. As you can probably tell from what he left on the site. =/

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

I live in a town, does that make me a townie??
Don't only pleb goths call people townies???

[JackPott]

I live in heroin capital of northants, and its full of townies, i tho am no.

[GeeDee]

Ok, well I think i'll start the jokes going again! No offence to anyone about the townie jokes!! :)

Q: What do you call a townie in a filing cabinet?
A: 'Sorted!

Q: What do you call a townie in a blender?
A: Mush!

And now for the jokes freshly taken from tonights Christmas crackers!:

Q: When is a car like a frog?
A: When it is being toad

Q: Why did the biscuit cry?
A: Because his mother was a-wafer too long

Q: How do you hire a horse?
A: Put a brick under each foot

Sorry, I know they are bad!!! :D

-GeeDee-

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Ahhhh thats the spirit of the thread... Terrible jokes that when you read them people just sigh and moan :)

[D2M]

my lady sighs and moans, and i don't even have to say anything... ;)

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

You must just be un funny ALL the time then :p:

[D2M]

something like that! :D

"Hey look, no hands!!!"

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

WTG D2M show us all how it's done :)

[D2M]

:D of course!

[GeeDee]

Just remembered another joke:

Tiger Woods was driving along in his BMW and realised he needed to stop for petrol. So he pulled into the nearest petrol station and the attendant came out to serve him. After filling the car with petrol, the petrol station attendant said "thats £25 please". Tiger Woods reached into his pocket for his wallet and out fell loads of tee's. "What are they for?" asked the attendant, "they're for putting my balls on when I drive" answered Tiger Woods. "wow" answered the pump attendant - "good old BMW think of everything don't they".

<groan>

(Apologies if that sounds crap - it doesn't look as good typed as it did when I heard it!)

-GeeDee-

[Renegade]

ok my turn at last :)

3 essex girls walking through the woods one day and they came upon some tracks... the first says "i bet these are BEAR tracks!" the second says "nahh there obviously rabbit tracks stupid!" but just before the 3rd girl could say something they were all hit by a train.

yes **** i know but wait theres MORE!

what does an essex girl use for protection?
.... a bus shelter

what have a essex girl and a halogen light bulb got in common? they both get screwed in the front of a ford escort!

what does an essex girl do after sex?
introduces herself and asks what team u all play for

how do u know an essex girl is having an orgasm?
she drops her bag of chips

why do essex girls where huge hoop earings?
somewhere to hang there legs during sex :)

and last but no means least!:

A man wakes up in his bed one day and to his amazment he see's the fittest most beutiful naked blonde u have ever seen and he doesnt have a clue who she is... he proceeds to his wadrobe to find his dressing gown and when he opens the wardrobe he finds £2million in cold hard currency and yet he is even more puzzled by this... he walks to the window to get some fresh air and when he opens the curtains and is confronted by 500 members of the KKK this is when he hears a tiny voice whispering from his drawers... he walks towards the drawes and opens the one with the voice coming from... out pops a genie "u alrite' geezer hows it going?" the man looking like hes about to have a heart attack turns around and replys "WTF is going on?" the genie replys... "U found me last night in the attic and i granted u 3 wishes" "i can understand the women and the money but WTF is the kkk doing outside my window" the genie replys "well u wished for a sexy lady, £2million quid and to be hung like a black man"

lol ok it was poor but better than that ****e ive been reading for the last 2hours :)

[D2M]

LOL i liek the bottom one!

Where's my darling mummy roothy? :(

[Renegade]

and wait.... theres more!
grand cheesyness straight from my lil bro.....

What do u call 2 robbers?

a pair of knickers

and also from my 5 yr old ****ing bro

Why did the robber jump inta a bath?

to make a clean getaway!

and these happen to be yet MORE essex girly jokes:

Q: What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain ?

A: Gifted!


Q: How do Essex girl braincells die ?

A: Alone.


Q: How do you brainwash an Essex girl ?

A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.


Q: How does an Essex girl part her hair ?

A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)


Q: Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the kitchen sink ?

A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!


Q: Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane ?

A: She'd just dyed her hair.


Q: Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane ?

A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.


Q: Why do Essex girls wear their hair up ?

A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.


Q: Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger ?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.


Q: Why is an Essex girl like a turtle ?

A: They both get ****ed up when they're on their back.


Q: How do you make an Essex girl's eyes light up ?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.


Q: Why should Essex girls not be given coffee breaks ?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.


Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl's been using the computer ?

A: There's Tipp-Ex on the screen.


Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?

A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.


Q: What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common ?

A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.


Q: What did the Essex girl think of the new computer?

A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get East Enders....


Q: Why do Essex girls wear shoulder pads?

A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!


Q: How do you kill an Essex girl?

A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.


Q: How do Essex girls pierce their ears?

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.


Q: Why don't Essex girls eat Jelly?

A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.


Q: What do you call an Essex girl with a fiver on the top her head?

A: All you can eat, under a fiver.


Q: Why don't Essex girls eat pickles?

A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.


Q: Why do Essex girls wear hoop earings?

A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.


Q: What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

A: Her ankles.


Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?

A: Because red means stop.


Q: Why do Essex girls wear red lipstick?

A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."


Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your refrigerator?

A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.


Q: Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?

A: They chip their teeth.


Q: Why do Essex girls wear underwear?

A: They make good ankle warmers.


Q: What do Essex girls do for foreplay?

A: Remove their underwear.


Q: What's the mating call of the Essex girl?

A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"


Q: What is the mating call of the ugly Essex girl?

A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"


Q: What's the mating call of the London girl?

A: "All the Essex girls have gone home!"


Q: What's the mating call of the Geordie girl?

A: "Next!"


Q: Why do Essex girls like VAT?

A: Because they can spell it.


Q: What is 83 to an Essex girl?

A: 69 plus VAT.


Q: Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes go in first.


Q: Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?

A: Tits go in front.

Q: What do you call a London girl with an Essex girl on either side?

A: An interpreter.


Q: What do you say to an Essex girl that won't give in?

A: "Have another beer."


Q: What do Essex girls do with their arseholes in the morning ?

A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.


Q: What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?

A1: Introduces herself.

A2: Walks home.


Q: How does an Essex girl like her eggs in the morning?

A: Unfertilized.


Q: Why did God give Esex girls legs?

A: Have you seen the mess slugs make?


Q: What's the first thing an Essex girl does after sex?

A: Opens the car door.


Q: How do Essex girls turn the light on after sex ?

A: She opens the car door.


Q: Why do Essex girls like tilt steering?

A: More head room.


Q: Why do Essex girls drive cars with sunroofs?

A: More leg room.


Q: What is the worst thing about sex with an Essex girl?

A: Bucket seats.


Q: What do Essex girls say after sex?

A1: Thanks boys.

A2: Are you boys all in the same band?

A3: Do you all play for the same team?


Q: What important question does an Essex girl ask her mate before having sex?

A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?


Q: Why do Essex girls have trouble achieving orgasm?

A: *Who cares?*


Q: Why do Essex girls have orgasms ?

A: So they know when to stop having sex !


Q: How do you tell when an Essex girl reaches orgasm ????

A1: She drops her nail-file!!!

A2: Who cares?

A3: She says 'Next'

A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder

A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes

A6: I mean, who really cares?

A7: The batteries have run out.

A8: She drops her chips


Q: What does an Essex girl say when you blow in her ear?

A: "Thanks for the refill!"


Q: What's the difference between the Blackpool tower and an Essex girl?

A: Not everybody's been up the Blackpool tower.

59.
Q: How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: "What's a lightbulb?"

A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

A3: Two. One to hold the Bacardi, and one to yell, "Daaady!"


Q: What's an Essex girl's favourite wine?

A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Eee-bee-zah!"


Q: What does a peroxide Essex girl and a 747 have in common?

A1: They both have a black box.

A2: Both have a ****pit.


Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and a 747?

A: Not everyone has been in a 747


Q: What does a dumb Essex girl say when she gives birth?

A: Duh, are you sure it's mine?


Q: What did the Essex girl say when she found out she was pregnant?

A: "Are you sure it's mine?"


Q: What do you call 10 Essex girls standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.


Q: What do you call 15 Essex girls in a circle?

A: A dope ring.


Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl, and a smart

Essex girl are walking down the street when they spot a 10 pound note. Who picks it up?

A: The dumb Essex girl! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart Essex girl.


Q: Why did the Essex girl scale the glass wall?

A: To see what was on the other side.


Q: What do you do when an Essex girl throws a hand grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.


Q: Why do Essex girls take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.


Q: Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?

A: Because it kept falling out.


Q: Why did the Essex girl have a sore navel?

A: Because her boyfriend was also from Essex!


Q: If an Essex girl and a brick are thrown off a building, which hits the ground first?

A: The brick. The Essex girl has to stop to ask for directions.


Q: What happens when an Essex girl gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up!


Q: Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?

A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.


Q: What is the difference between butter and an Essex girl?

A: Butter is difficult to spread.


Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?

A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

A2: You can't fit the Essex girl in the bowling ball.


Q: What do a bowling ball and an Essex girl have in common?

A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.


Q: What is the difference between an Essex girl and "The Titanic"?

A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".


Q: What is the difference between a smart Essex girl and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a telephone?

A: It costs 10p to use a telephone.


Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy?

A: The Essex girl has the higher sperm count.


Q: Why is a washing machine better than an Essex girl?

A: Because you can dump your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.



and i believe thats enuff for one post... want me to carry on?

[D2M]

Oh dear! My screen is filled with Essex girls!!

Talking about them...there's a product in the chemist where I work called 'Thick and Easy'. It's some sort of slimming product. I know what the name reminds me of!!

*cough* essex bird!!!! :D

[Renegade]

LOL

heres another one... its why im glad to be a man

Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

[D2M]

LOL, that's very good. And soooooo true! :D

[GeeDee]

So, do any essex girls read these boards? :D

-GeeDee-

[D2M]

considering they don't have the brains to turn on a PC, i would say...no chance! :p:

[GeeDee]

Originally posted by D2M
considering they don't have the brains to turn on a PC, i would say...no chance! :p:

You'd better hope that there are no essex girls here now!

Ahem, not that I would have considered writing such a nasty thing of course :)

/me runs in fear of essex girls with sharpened vib...
/me gets coat

-GeeDee-

[Renegade]

lol i hope so... i used to live in essex... did for 15yrs thought id never leave the hell hole :) and msg to rooth... the geordie bits wernt aimed at u :) most of my family are geordies and i love em to death specially the good looking 18-21yr olds (NOT MY FAMILY!) which is bout 99% of em :)

[D2M]

mmm...mobile numbers...thx

[D2M]

GeeDee what are the odds of an essex girl understanding a web browser?


soz double post :(

[Renegade]

hold on revise the Q... whats the chance of an essex girl understanding.?

[D2M]

slim to none!

[GeeDee]

I think i'm going to post some more jokes before the essex jokes carry on! Most people have probably seen most of these already though, as they're just a few of my e-mail jokes: :p:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Santa answered his mail honestly...
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
gud
boy alL yeer.YerFrend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
care.
How about I send you a f *** ing book so you can learn
to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can
spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year,and the only thing I
ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they?
Santa



Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this,but for Christmas, I'd
like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter
like a
screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna
give that up to come
backto your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly?
It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa---




Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
gay.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I
left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart
in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a
favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa




Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
please
PLEASE PLEASEcould I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but
that
crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater
again.
Santa

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in, and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all
these Frosties back in the box."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

TALEBAN T.V.

6.00 Gee-Had TV. Morning prayers.

8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy
and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher. La-La & Po show how to

grow Anthrax.

9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.

11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea
battalion repulse another attack by
evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make
lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on
Americas attempts to take over the world.

13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena
stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads
some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs
bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic
colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain
asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the
year, including ! ! the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of

pagan idols.

16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face
questions from political and religious leaders.

17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution
by stoning for adultery.

17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed
for unislamic behaviour.

18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to
Mecca. Again.

18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1
for the 63,728th week running?

19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud
Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go
'inshallah', or
ask the Islamic council?

20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three
burkha-clad sleuths go undercover
to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the
house and executed this week?

22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate
famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in
the 'don't feel the Mullah' round.

0.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot
secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

12.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme
looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

1.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

2.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three sisters, age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. I want to put them in the garden. You see, We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
12. Will you please send a man to look at my loo water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

24. ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

-GeeDee-

[D2M]

LOL. Number 24 is 0wn4g3!!

[Renegade]

i love this thread :) its bout time i started using these damned forums... been reged since dec 1999 when we first got the forums up :)

[D2M]

gah, old timer! wheres ya zimmer? :D

[Renegade]

lol im mpuk hardcore to the bone :)

[D2M]

hardcore pr0n?? :D :D

Get some more jokes, i wanna laugh! :p:

[D2M]

One i jst made up myself...

Did you hear about the guy who put a notch in his dick for every girl he slept with?
He's in hospital, cos he's a stupid f*cking w*nker!

[Renegade]

lol ok heres another joke:

whats the differnce between a lost golf ball and a mounted policeman?

Ones a hunt on the course and the other is..... :)

---

There once was a little old lady who was very sad and lonely.. her husband past away only last month and her bills were mounting up.. she decided enuff was enuff and purchased a gun with the last of her savings but due to alsimas she couldnt remember where her little old heart was so she decided to visit the doctor... "docter where is my heart?" the docter sighed and replyed "2 inches under ur left breast" she then procedded her journey home.. once home she placed the guns in her hand aimed 2 inches below her left breast. she said her goodbyes and then shot herself in her thigh.

get it?

[D2M]

OMG, thats EXCELLENT!!! :D

Yus, i hate it when old ladies walk along, and you can see their nipples sticking out from underneath their skirts!! YUCK :(

[Renegade]

aint it even worse when old ladys RAM there shopping trolleys into u @ a super market and THEN look at u asif it was ur fault! ******s

[Renegade]

common people more jokes dammit!

[GeeDee]

Originally posted by Renegade
common people more jokes dammit!

Ok! /Me cracks knuckles and searches inbox for jokes!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed
one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like
the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My
husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo.
He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when
facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven seas, his lookout spotted
a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and
while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led
his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck
recounting the day's triumph. One of the them asked
the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt
before battle?

"The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack,
the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will
continue to fight, unafraid.

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage
of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted
not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.
The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and
waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravo gazed with
steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his
ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted,
"Get me my brown pants!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: She was sooooooo blonde. ..

* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
* she thought a quarterback was a refund.
* she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
* she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
* she thought General Motors was in the army.
* she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
* under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
* she tripped over a cordless phone.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "concentrate."
* she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DON'T WALK."
* at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here," she put "Sagittarius."
* she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
* she studied for a blood test.
* she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul
Train."
* she sold the car for gas money!
* when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus
twice instead.
* when she went to the airport and saw a sign that
said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
* she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
* if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* she thought that she could not use her AM radio in
the evening.
* she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought
stood for "This Goes In Front."
* she thought Grape Nuts was a venereal disease

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical
weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing.

He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburnt beyond
belief. He could hardly stand the pain.

He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his
lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is
only a small village surgery," he explained. "I've really got nothing
at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..."

The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet
going to do?"

"Nothing at all for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep
the sheets off your legs

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Famous Last Words...

* It's fireproof.

* He's probably just hibernating.

* What does this button do?

* It's probably just a rash.

* Are you sure the power is off?

* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

* Pull the pin and count to what?

* Which wire was I supposed to cut?

* I wonder where the mother bear is.

* I've seen this done on TV.

* These are the good kind of mushrooms.

* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

* Let it down slowly.

* It's strong enough for both of us.

* This doesn't taste right.

* I can make this light before it changes.

* Nice doggie.

* I can do that with my eyes closed.

* I've done this before.

* Well, we've made it this far.

* That's odd.

* Don't be so superstitious.

* Now watch this.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun
in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license,