Crap jokes

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South Americas going to be poor. "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small populated area in the land mass of Great Britain and said "What's that?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Greater Manchester, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills, great music and world dominating football teams. The people from Greater Manchester are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the lazy, thieving b*st*rds I'm putting next to them in Merseyside."

[Bowser]

Not really a joke but funny all the same.

Beer & Natural Selection...

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones, at the back of the pack, that are killed first.

As noted by Darwin, this natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills off brain cells, but, through Darwin's Theory of Natural Selection, the alcohol attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

Therefore, through the regular consumption of beer, all of these weaker brain cells will be eliminated, making the brain a much faster and more efficient machine. A six-pack each and every day will positively keep you at your intellectual peak.

The only drawback is that because your brain is functioning at such a high rate of speed, your speech may not be able to keep up -- thereby causing a slurring sound...

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

So THAT'S what causes it :D

[D2M]

BEER WARNING!!
==============

Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 per cent of the men gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

[GeeDee]

lmao.

:D

[Bowser]

What goes stiff after 3 strokes?

Princess Anne. :icon24:

Don't tell me off for that one I heard it at work last night. :(

[D2M]

lol. i kinda find it wrong to laugh but roflmao!!!!!

[Dizzie]

Can someone stop me reading this thread at work. I was laughing so hard I couldn't speak. One thing I must remember to do when laughing at jokes. Breath Dizzie!
lol.

Keep em coming.

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need werein the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered," and had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, It's a Ferrari!!!!!!!!!

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Q. What do oranges and pears have in common?
A. Neither of them can drive tractors

Q. What's pink and hangs out your trousers ?
A. Your Mom!

Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the **** out of you.

Q: What is the difference between a snow-woman and a snowman ?
A: Snow Balls

Q. Why don't worms have balls ?
A. Cos they can't dance!

Q: Why did God give women orgasms?
A: It gives them something else to moan about!

Q. What happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye kicked the **** out of him

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two, but how do they get in?

Q. What did the Leper say to his mother whilst riding his bike?
A. Look mum, no hands!

[Dyce]

Two elephants walk off a cliff...BOOM BOOM



A man walks up to a scarecrow and says " Mr Scarecrow? Youve won an award! "

Mr Scarecrow says " Really? What for? "

the man says " For outstanding work in your field! ".



A magic tractor was going down a road and then it turned into a field!



2 fat men in a bar. One says to the other:

" Your round. "

The other says:

" So are you ya fat gett! "



A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into the bar.

The barman says: " Whats this? Some kind of joke? "


2 Goldfish in a tank. One says to the other: " I hope you know how to drive this thing. "

2 soldiers in a tank. One says to the other: " I hope you know how to swim. "


What do women and Speed cameras have in common?
They both get turned on by fast cars!


( Thank you! Im here all week! ):D :D :D

[Bowser]

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody."

[D2M]

LOLOLOLOL!!! :D

tell them all!

[Ruth]

A bloke is dating 3 girls, but he wants to settle down and marry. He gives each woman £1000, and tells them they can do what they want with the money.
The first spends £800 on clothes and puts £200 in the bank.
The second spends £200 on clothes and puts £800 in the bank.
The third puts the £1000 in the bank.
Which does he choose?




The one with the biggest breasts :D

[TE-Hellfire]

An army were in its barracks one night after an exhausting day of exercise and were just about to get some sleep when the Drill Sergeant slammed open the door and stood in the doorway, about to speak.

He shouted "MEN! We have a homosexual among us!"

One of the troops spoke up and asked "How can you tell?"

The Sergeant replied "The cook's dick tastes of $H1T!".


:hapfac01:

[Bowser]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the local fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten pounds, and ten pounds is ten pounds."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten quid, and ten pounds is ten pounds."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten pounds."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten pounds is ten pounds."

[Angelus]

lol this thread will never die! :D

Originally posted by Rooth
The one with the biggest breasts :D

Lol thats funny :D

[Bowser]

there a barmaid in a pub getting on with her work when 3 bloke walking in off the street and all three start having a w4nk in the corner of the pub.
So the bar maid walks on over to the blokes and asks them kindly "can you stop what you are doing its upseting the punters". When one of the blokes turn round and says "well acording to your sign up there above the bar its first come first served"

[Angelus]

very dodgy! lol :D

[Dwarf_Pr0n]

Take cover cos here comes the crap jokes again:


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.