FL1X
5th January 2005, 23:42
Subject: Top Tips
sorry if its a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepost
>
>Top tips .
> > >
> >1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
>jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
>almost instantly removed.
> > >
> >2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
>from going back to sleep.
> > >
> >3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
>someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> > >
> >4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
>at people as they walk up the aisle.
> > >
> >5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
>chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing
>in the first place, you fat b*stards.
> > >
> >6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
>morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
>full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
> > >
> >7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
>by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
>urinating into it, before jumping in.
> > >
> >8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' cond*ms, just buy an ordinary one and
>slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
> > >
> >9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
>drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
>place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously
> >'erased'.
> > >
> >10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
>what you want to look at.
> > >
> >11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
>fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
> > >
> >12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
>direction of oncoming traffic.
> > >
> >13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
> >
> >14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
>cakes again.
> > >
> >15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
>coat hanger in an emergency.
> > >
> >16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
>imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
>intended destination in the first place.
> > >
> >17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
>inexpensive vibrator.
> > >
> >18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
>steroids by running a bit slower.
> > >
> >19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
>p*ssing in the sink.
> > >
> >20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
>or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
>substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
>difference.
> > >
> >21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
>doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
>about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
> > >
> >22. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'. Take your
>missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
>wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
> > >
> >23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
>circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment
>from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
>check that it has gone.
sorry if its a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepost
>
>Top tips .
> > >
> >1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
>jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
>almost instantly removed.
> > >
> >2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
>from going back to sleep.
> > >
> >3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
>someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> > >
> >4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
>at people as they walk up the aisle.
> > >
> >5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
>chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing
>in the first place, you fat b*stards.
> > >
> >6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
>morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
>full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
> > >
> >7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
>by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
>urinating into it, before jumping in.
> > >
> >8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' cond*ms, just buy an ordinary one and
>slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
> > >
> >9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
>drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
>place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously
> >'erased'.
> > >
> >10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
>what you want to look at.
> > >
> >11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
>fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
> > >
> >12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
>direction of oncoming traffic.
> > >
> >13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
> >
> >14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
>cakes again.
> > >
> >15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
>coat hanger in an emergency.
> > >
> >16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
>imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
>intended destination in the first place.
> > >
> >17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
>inexpensive vibrator.
> > >
> >18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
>steroids by running a bit slower.
> > >
> >19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
>p*ssing in the sink.
> > >
> >20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
>or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
>substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
>difference.
> > >
> >21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
>doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
>about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
> > >
> >22. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'. Take your
>missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
>wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
> > >
> >23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
>circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment
>from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
>check that it has gone.