Tyler
2nd December 2003, 23:58
Harlequins vs GLA Match Report
Maps: Kharkov, Kharkov
Round 1 (Axis): Harlequins: 187 GLA: 0
After a late start with some communication difficulties with GLA and server details, the show started. We capped all three flags very quickly right from the go, with seemingly little resistance. Our Troupers and Death Jesters were dancing about the Kharkov battlefield dishing our own brand of Technicolor Devastation and there was much merriment to be had. With Krak3n's clever mining, he ensured that their armour push to the hill was severely blunted leaving us with a few less things to worry about. Once I had gotten my custom painted, spandex-clad tank into position, a GLA pilot (clearly a Japanese bloke) decided that no, he wasn't going to bomb me. He was going to do a proper job and suicide into my tank. Lovely. But we were not concerned; oh no. We had Tankgirl nearby. And sure enough she stormed up the hill-ramp in her tank as if she had ants in her leopard skinned muffplate, got out and flashed her tits at the GLA infantry climbing up from the river. This resulted in them being so completely gobsmacked they actually forgot to shoot; leaving our Troupers to ask them to kindly leave our hill thank you very much.
Some nice flying was demonstrated by our resident Heroic Gallic Pilot (tm), Exo, who seemed to be merely playing with the poor GLA pilots while Rostig was busy dropping heavy objects onto their jeeps and tanks. I say "playing" because at one point he was chasing down 2 of their planes at the same time, whilst eating a bowl of cassoulet, drinking Stella Artois and smoking a Marlboro Light. Flash git.
Despite some inspired and brave attempts by GLA to attack the hill, they never managed to get close to it thanks to our hill defense. These antics lead to us keeping all three flags throughout the round and with a merry cry of "Fandango!!!" we contained them in their base with some friendly bombing from Rostig and Exo.
Round 2 (Allied): Harlequins: 182 GLA: 0
The beginning of this round was slightly different. They capped the hill pretty quickly and setup a hurried defense. Very sneaky GLA. A quick call to our flying Harlequins, Rostig and Exo and their armour was dispatched within seconds.
A perfectly thrown grenade by Elvis (sheer poetry there) from beneath the hill slopes sent what appeared to be 75% of their entire team soaring above a bemused Demon's head, who was himself trying to scramble up the side resulting in him having absolutely nothing to shoot when he got there. Needless to say, within seconds of arriving, we took the hill back and it stayed that way throughout the game.
Some more sneaky shenanigans from GLA running jeeps over to our opposite bridge flag were quickly dealt with by The Drunk Norwegian aka Devildawg who was doing a grand job of defending it. He was getting so bored I was actually beginning to worry he might invite a GLA attacker to sit down and have a shot of vodka with him and talk about poker. So I let him off the leash for a bit. Aren't I nice?
Needless to say, we capped and held all the flags throughout and Fandango'd poor GLA.
Round 3 (Axis): Harlequins 184 GLA: 0
After a couple of minutes break so D3m0n could relieve himself (he had forgotten his piss bottle) and some random GLA disconnects (we paused for them), we got the show rolling again.
Again, we capped the Hill very quickly with little resistance. Thanks to Langos's foxlike cunning he mined and expacked his way through a loaded GLA jeep and a tank, blunting their attack considerably. Congratulating himself on this l33t bit of engineer work, he promptly got himself run over by an APC doing no less than 5mph. Mong. I've never seen anyone who's been run over slowly, but Langos somehow managed it. Anyway, with Harlequins jumping, flying and dancing about, again, we capped all three flags and yet again, cried "Fandango".
Special mention goes to the clever, patient and sneaky GLA member who somehow managed to wriggle out of their Allied base, sneak past our tanks, planes and artillery, contest our bridge flag and jump in a tank that had spawned seconds before. Well played there GLA. Unfortunately for the poor bloke, Spam was in a wespe, Exo & Loopy were in the sky, Devildawg was in his tank and our Death Jesters were closing in....
After getting the flag back however, He Who Shall Be Named As ButtMonkey was so happy and cheerful in his wespe that he failed to recognise that we had got the flag back. After numerous Harlequins screaming blue murder and a quick "Spam? Would you mind not shelling that flag now old chap?", the aforementioned ButtMonkey ceased his happy rain of fire. Fortunately, the loss of life was minimal.
Round 4 (Allied) Harlequins 181 GLA: 0
Not one to rest on our laurels, we set out as we had been meaning to finish. Quickly capping our own bridge flag and the hill, we set upon the GLA hordes swarming at their bridge flag. A quick order to the Death Jesters to move in, some coordinated Exo bombing and Tankgirl flashing her tits and their flag was ours.
By this time, Spam (aka Buttmonkey) had somehow managed to get the hang of using the Katyusha and was merrily spaffing their base causing much damage and cheerful destruction. It was only when he ran out of out ammo did something become clear to his fellow Harlequins. He doesn't have a driving license. Needless to say, D3m0n's brand spanking new Katyusha ended up being not quite as shiny as it was moments ago. Played Spam.
Speaking of Artillery Antics, a rather strange thing happened. While D3m0n and Spam swung both their Katyusha around and trundled them side by side back to the ammo box, a GLA engineer appeared out of nowhere right in the middle of them. Clearly this GLA man has been attending the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and has learnt the Apparate spell h4x. Clever. Very clever. Fortunately, while D3m0n was too flabbergasted by this phantom menace, Spam, not so much of a buttmonkey this time, had the presence of mind to exit his Katyusha and shoot the poor bastard. Weird.
Anyway, GLA were fighting hard and valiantly to get out of their HQ, even with our Welsh, Sheep-shagging ewok, Loopyjuice, bombing the bejesus out of them. For some reason they had all spawned as manzookas at one point and were scrambling across the river trying to get to the hill. D3m0n on defence, was clearly suffering from the Lynx Effect as a) he had about 12 manzookas launched at his head and b) they completely ignored Spam standing close by. Despite various heroic efforts, GLA were beaten back and we won the round with all three flags intact.
All in all, it was a good game and a chance for us to try out some modified tactics. Apart from some disconnects and a few pauses the match ran pretty smoothly. There were no complaints or whining from GLA and despite being a man down on round 4, they stuck at it, knowing they had lost.
Final score 734-0 to The Harlequins.
GG's.
Tyler
Awards:
D3m0n, for Most Desirable Male of the Play. For his outstanding ability to attract huge amounts of heavy ordnance wherever he went.
Tyler, for Best Director of the Play. Clear and concise information given to those who needed it at the right time.
Exo7, for Best Visual Effects of the Play . Tanks virtually disintegrated in front of me. At one point, I saw a tank, a halftrack and two infantry approaching me within 50 feet - and within 5 seconds of my call for help, they were gone. All of them. Better than sex, baby! ;)
Ghost, Best Male Performance. This has nothing to do with the game, really. Just wanted to make sure all you ladies out there knew... ;)
Maps: Kharkov, Kharkov
Round 1 (Axis): Harlequins: 187 GLA: 0
After a late start with some communication difficulties with GLA and server details, the show started. We capped all three flags very quickly right from the go, with seemingly little resistance. Our Troupers and Death Jesters were dancing about the Kharkov battlefield dishing our own brand of Technicolor Devastation and there was much merriment to be had. With Krak3n's clever mining, he ensured that their armour push to the hill was severely blunted leaving us with a few less things to worry about. Once I had gotten my custom painted, spandex-clad tank into position, a GLA pilot (clearly a Japanese bloke) decided that no, he wasn't going to bomb me. He was going to do a proper job and suicide into my tank. Lovely. But we were not concerned; oh no. We had Tankgirl nearby. And sure enough she stormed up the hill-ramp in her tank as if she had ants in her leopard skinned muffplate, got out and flashed her tits at the GLA infantry climbing up from the river. This resulted in them being so completely gobsmacked they actually forgot to shoot; leaving our Troupers to ask them to kindly leave our hill thank you very much.
Some nice flying was demonstrated by our resident Heroic Gallic Pilot (tm), Exo, who seemed to be merely playing with the poor GLA pilots while Rostig was busy dropping heavy objects onto their jeeps and tanks. I say "playing" because at one point he was chasing down 2 of their planes at the same time, whilst eating a bowl of cassoulet, drinking Stella Artois and smoking a Marlboro Light. Flash git.
Despite some inspired and brave attempts by GLA to attack the hill, they never managed to get close to it thanks to our hill defense. These antics lead to us keeping all three flags throughout the round and with a merry cry of "Fandango!!!" we contained them in their base with some friendly bombing from Rostig and Exo.
Round 2 (Allied): Harlequins: 182 GLA: 0
The beginning of this round was slightly different. They capped the hill pretty quickly and setup a hurried defense. Very sneaky GLA. A quick call to our flying Harlequins, Rostig and Exo and their armour was dispatched within seconds.
A perfectly thrown grenade by Elvis (sheer poetry there) from beneath the hill slopes sent what appeared to be 75% of their entire team soaring above a bemused Demon's head, who was himself trying to scramble up the side resulting in him having absolutely nothing to shoot when he got there. Needless to say, within seconds of arriving, we took the hill back and it stayed that way throughout the game.
Some more sneaky shenanigans from GLA running jeeps over to our opposite bridge flag were quickly dealt with by The Drunk Norwegian aka Devildawg who was doing a grand job of defending it. He was getting so bored I was actually beginning to worry he might invite a GLA attacker to sit down and have a shot of vodka with him and talk about poker. So I let him off the leash for a bit. Aren't I nice?
Needless to say, we capped and held all the flags throughout and Fandango'd poor GLA.
Round 3 (Axis): Harlequins 184 GLA: 0
After a couple of minutes break so D3m0n could relieve himself (he had forgotten his piss bottle) and some random GLA disconnects (we paused for them), we got the show rolling again.
Again, we capped the Hill very quickly with little resistance. Thanks to Langos's foxlike cunning he mined and expacked his way through a loaded GLA jeep and a tank, blunting their attack considerably. Congratulating himself on this l33t bit of engineer work, he promptly got himself run over by an APC doing no less than 5mph. Mong. I've never seen anyone who's been run over slowly, but Langos somehow managed it. Anyway, with Harlequins jumping, flying and dancing about, again, we capped all three flags and yet again, cried "Fandango".
Special mention goes to the clever, patient and sneaky GLA member who somehow managed to wriggle out of their Allied base, sneak past our tanks, planes and artillery, contest our bridge flag and jump in a tank that had spawned seconds before. Well played there GLA. Unfortunately for the poor bloke, Spam was in a wespe, Exo & Loopy were in the sky, Devildawg was in his tank and our Death Jesters were closing in....
After getting the flag back however, He Who Shall Be Named As ButtMonkey was so happy and cheerful in his wespe that he failed to recognise that we had got the flag back. After numerous Harlequins screaming blue murder and a quick "Spam? Would you mind not shelling that flag now old chap?", the aforementioned ButtMonkey ceased his happy rain of fire. Fortunately, the loss of life was minimal.
Round 4 (Allied) Harlequins 181 GLA: 0
Not one to rest on our laurels, we set out as we had been meaning to finish. Quickly capping our own bridge flag and the hill, we set upon the GLA hordes swarming at their bridge flag. A quick order to the Death Jesters to move in, some coordinated Exo bombing and Tankgirl flashing her tits and their flag was ours.
By this time, Spam (aka Buttmonkey) had somehow managed to get the hang of using the Katyusha and was merrily spaffing their base causing much damage and cheerful destruction. It was only when he ran out of out ammo did something become clear to his fellow Harlequins. He doesn't have a driving license. Needless to say, D3m0n's brand spanking new Katyusha ended up being not quite as shiny as it was moments ago. Played Spam.
Speaking of Artillery Antics, a rather strange thing happened. While D3m0n and Spam swung both their Katyusha around and trundled them side by side back to the ammo box, a GLA engineer appeared out of nowhere right in the middle of them. Clearly this GLA man has been attending the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and has learnt the Apparate spell h4x. Clever. Very clever. Fortunately, while D3m0n was too flabbergasted by this phantom menace, Spam, not so much of a buttmonkey this time, had the presence of mind to exit his Katyusha and shoot the poor bastard. Weird.
Anyway, GLA were fighting hard and valiantly to get out of their HQ, even with our Welsh, Sheep-shagging ewok, Loopyjuice, bombing the bejesus out of them. For some reason they had all spawned as manzookas at one point and were scrambling across the river trying to get to the hill. D3m0n on defence, was clearly suffering from the Lynx Effect as a) he had about 12 manzookas launched at his head and b) they completely ignored Spam standing close by. Despite various heroic efforts, GLA were beaten back and we won the round with all three flags intact.
All in all, it was a good game and a chance for us to try out some modified tactics. Apart from some disconnects and a few pauses the match ran pretty smoothly. There were no complaints or whining from GLA and despite being a man down on round 4, they stuck at it, knowing they had lost.
Final score 734-0 to The Harlequins.
GG's.
Tyler
Awards:
D3m0n, for Most Desirable Male of the Play. For his outstanding ability to attract huge amounts of heavy ordnance wherever he went.
Tyler, for Best Director of the Play. Clear and concise information given to those who needed it at the right time.
Exo7, for Best Visual Effects of the Play . Tanks virtually disintegrated in front of me. At one point, I saw a tank, a halftrack and two infantry approaching me within 50 feet - and within 5 seconds of my call for help, they were gone. All of them. Better than sex, baby! ;)
Ghost, Best Male Performance. This has nothing to do with the game, really. Just wanted to make sure all you ladies out there knew... ;)